“Repulsive and hateful in almost every way it could be.”
SPOILER FREE directed by Debbie Isitt is the third film in the series: ‘The pupils of St Bernadette’s and the madcap Mr Poppy (MARC WOOTTON) are back! When their new teacher Mr Shepherd (MARTIN CLUNES) loses his memory as well as Archie the Donkey, it’s up to them to save the day and reunite him with his fiancée Sophie (CATHERINE TATE) in New York. Prepare for a race against time, fantastic flashmobs and plenty of Christmas fun on their greatest adventure yet.’
Before I go any further, I must clarify being fully aware that I am not the target audience for this film; having said that, I’m hugely passionate about family films and count myself as a big Disney and Pixar fan. I think it’s safe to assume that Nativity 3: Dude Where’s My Donkey is nothing more than appalling. It’s done relatively well in terms of Box Office figures, it helps that it is a ‘Christmas film’ and will have a fair amount of screaming children dragging their parents along to see it. Christmas is meant to bring great cheer, but the film industry seem to produce films that will make you want to flee the country for all of December – this being one of them. For anyone who’s an adult; in short – this film will make you want to slam your head so hard against a brick wall; that the only thing you’ll be able to see are stars and brain matter.
There’s no doubt that tiny tots (0-6) will love its gags about burping, farting and slapstick humour, but I’m afraid that that will be as far as it goes. If you think about all the famous family films that children love (Toy Story, Frozen etc). The amount of money that those films make on merchandise can often be greater than the Box Office figures and this definitely says something… Where is the merchandise for Nativity 3: Dude Where’s My Donkey? Where is it? The answer is… there isn’t any. Although kids may enjoy it; there is no demand for anything other than just the cinematic experience (if you can call it that) because who would want it? Now… I’m not saying that every film with its own merchandise is a masterpiece, but this does say something nonetheless.
Apart from the fact that the film has no proper storyline and no three-dimensional characters and things that happen for no sense whatsoever; there is nothing in this for adults… There’s nothing wrong with making a film that is aimed at children, but if the humour is so stupid, the story nonexistent, and no characters to relate to; you are alienating the people taking the kids to see it in the first place. Fundamental error!!!
There are moments in the film where Mr. Poppy dresses up as child, Mr. Shepherd gets knocked out by a horse kick and forgets everything but still remembers how to talk and doesn’t appear at all shocked, but suddenly can drive a train. The acting is so shockingly poor and unconvincing that it will make you want to start cutting yourself. The singing is so hideous (mostly sang by kids), the thought of being kicked in the face by a donkey actually sounds more pleasant. These all add up to be the worst film of 2014 so far – the British Film Industry has created some absolute masterpieces, but there is so much better out there for young children.
If you want to take your children to see something; The Book of Life is still in cinemas and there will be stronger pieces of work out this Christmas; perhaps Paddington? It’s horrific trash from beginning to end. The film is focused around Mr. Shepherd losing his memory, I just wish I could forget this film.
★
Hudson-Cook 